It took 9 months to grow the twins. And now it is 9 months since they’re born, I was hoping I’d feel a bit more of a pro. I was hoping it would be easier. Believe it or not, but I never wanted to be a mum that complained about motherhood because it is such a blessing to be able to be one, but I can’t help feel the feels. Let me explain.
Before I became a mum to twins I used to think every moaning mum must be doing it wrong…babies are adorable! Children are fascinating! Families are beautiful! I used to think it couldn’t be so hard. (Yes I was probably a d***). Motherhood was supposed to be about cuddles and kisses and laughter and baking cakes. (Yes I’m cringing).
When people looked at me in utter sympathy when I said I was expecting twins, I thought they were being cruel.
They weren’t. They just knew a whole lot more than I did.
They knew it was going to be the biggest roller coaster ride I’d ever experienced. They knew I was about to go into unchartered territory that no amount of parenting books or NCT classes could prepare me for.
And yet, I went into my motherhood journey feeling mostly positive, albeit a little scared. It wouldn’t be so bad. And for the most part it hasn’t. My babies are amazing, I completely love them and I feel so lucky to have them. But this transitioning from person to mother is by far the hardest thing of all about motherhood.
For us, the pregnancy and the fact it was twins came about as a double whammy surprise, and throughout the all the amazing moments I’ve had as a mum, there’s always been a part of me that struggles every day.
I should have anticipated it more. A lot of my mum friends had told me while I was rubbing my bump that it was difficult to get used to being a mum, but before you’ve lived through it, you can’t imagine the daily conflict it involves. Wanting to be as good a mum as you possibly can but equally missing the freedoms you used to have.
I can’t help it. And having spoken to my other new mum friends, I think we all miss being the most important person in our days. We miss being allowed to be selfish. And it’s not just the big things, like planning a trip or a career change or being able to think what we’d like to do with our money, it’s the little things too. From what we’d like to eat to how we’d like to dress, when we’d like to sleep, where we’d like to go that day. Things I didn’t even think were ‘things’ are now major milestones in my day. If I manage to eat anything other than the debris of my children’s meals it’s a success.
In many ways it’s felt like a trauma becoming a mum to twins. And I don’t say that to be dramatic. The literally enormous changes that a twin pregnancy makes to your body, the relentlessly intense nature of parenting two newborns and then two active babies, the way your relationship gets put through the ultimate test as you struggle with sleep deprivation, fierce feelings of love and protectiveness over the babies and the bitter sweet memories of your former life as a couple…
One moment you’re just living your life, having drinks with your friends or planning a weekend away in Europe, the next it’s a circus of scans, plans, preparation for the new arrivals, recovering from a twin labour and straight into the pandemonium of meal times, nap times, playtimes, cleaning and the constant sound of crying that haunts your eardrums even when everyone is tucked up asleep.
It’s like being sucked into the eye of the storm of parenting as you try to get to grips with the changing pace of life, being ripped out of all your comfort zones and spat out next to an overflowing nappy bin.
It’s not that I don’t appreciate being able to be a mum to my babies, I really, really do. It’s just that I’m still in shock. I’m still waiting for the dust to settle and for this new life of twin motherhood to feel normal.
Sometimes, I wonder if it ever will?
Lots of love